The Fantashtic F1 in India!!!

The Fantashtic F1 in India!!! 
(the truly fake experiences of a driver on the Circuit De India) 

Well lets call him 'the driver' from this point on. I know it's kind of lame, 'driver' thats what we can come up with?? Arre bhai we are so witty and all... and thats all we can come up with?

But abhi ke liya chalta hai bhai.. lets call him 'driver'

Now our driver bhaisaab had come to saddi India to drive car. As if there were not enough drivers and cars already on the roads!! Arre koi tell him that every road is total-jaam bhai!! 50 minutes for 5-kilometre to office.. what is this yaar?? 50 minutes for 5-kilometres? I digress.

So driver bhai was here to drive his fully fully fasht F1 car.. many color-color stickers there on it. He says they're for the sponsors. I toh say what an idea sirjee!! Car pe product ka sticker.. superrr!!

Driver bhai is telling me about his experiences about the race and his driving experience in India!!

He starts off,

The grid is ready, all the twenty cars are stacked up like chota-chota maachis ka dabba. Light is red, but suddenly going to yellow. Ek dum se then a bike comes zig-zagging between the F1 cars and races to the start of the grid and zoom drives off when the light is still yellow... no silencer also on his bike, full vroooooooooomm noise he is making. All drivers looking at each other confusedly.

Circuit pe bike?? what is this yaar?? they all are saying!!

Bike already ekdum out of sight, only can see his red helmet hanging from his hands as he is cut-maaring idhar-se-udhar.

Light becomes green, topi-wala man is lehraaing jhanda to start, and our driver bhai starts moving. At first he is driving slowly, then turn comes, it is totally not visible. He slowing down even more.

As he turns, he sees that a cow is sitting on the track and munching garbage from "Super Super-Market" ka plastic cover (i'm a quick learner bhai, i also start advertising in this post only, after seeing his sticker-wala car).

Driver bhai ki toh ek dum phati, he does full slow and turns around the cow. Later he is asking me if it is sacred-cow and should he pay some respect to it. I say, ya bhai, cow is our mother. What to do she is hungry and roaming around for food. So if she is eating from garbage packet on the middle of the road, what can we do? We just honk to pay respect and then drive side se, without hitting the mother-cow.

Now driver bhai is driving full dhyaan se after missing-hitting cow on the road. He going little ahead and suddenly traffic police man jump in between and shout "side-side-side". All F1 wala car move to one side and wait in total confusion.

Driver bhai is shouting to traffic wala, "What the hell is this?? Why are you stopping us??"

Traffic wala toh bilkul fired up, he shouting,
"Saala Mother-something, english jhaadta hai?? abhi gaadi thaana mein lock kar dega, samjha saale???"


"CM saab ke secretary ke padosi ke bete ki girlfriend ki gaadi jaa rahi hai... dekh nahi sakta?? laal batti hai top pe!! Bewakoof type road ke beech mein kya chala raha hai?"

All traffic stopped till CM saab ke secretary ke padosi ke bete ki girlfriend ki laal batti wala gaadi passes safely.

Then slowly traffic police man lets the traffic go. But he's still telling our driver bhai to wait. All other F1 wala gaadi going zoom-zoom. Driver bhai fully angry and shouting why police man not letting him go!!

Traffic wala comes slowly towards driver bhai's car, looks inside and first pulls out the keys from ignition and starts walking away.

Driver bhai totally dumbfounded.

He's pleading, Sir! Sir! i have to get on with the race! Please lemme go!

Traffic wala says, chal chal li-sun nikaal!!

Driver bhai, Pardon me?

Traffic wala, behra hai kya saale, li-sun nikaal, LI-SUNNN!!!

Somebody tells poor driver bhai that police man wants to check his DL.. arre DL matlab Driver's License.

Driver bhai toh totally sweating now! What license.. he's in a damn F1 race!! He doesnt have his license here!!

Traffic wala says, chal chal atleast gaadi ke paper dikha.

Driver bhai, paper? what paper?

Traffic wala, abey champak, RC nikaal, Pollution nikaal, Insure nikaal!

Driver bhai, sorry Mr. Police Man i dont have any of those documents right now.

Traffic wala, Oye, kumar, check kar ye firang daaru peeke chala raha hai kya? ek bhi paper nahi hai saale ke paas.

Kumar constable comes and tells Driver bhai, Sir open helmet and blow me.

Driver bhai shouts,..... WTF!!!!!!

Kumar constable respects firangis, so he does not shout at driver bhai. He slowly shows with his hands,
signals for 'Remove-Helmet' 'Blow-air-from-mouth'

Kumar saying, sir sorry but have to check for alcohol.

Driver bhai, alcohol?? are you crazy!!! I'm in a bloody race, you think i'm drinking and driving??

Kumar saying, sir i trust you fully fully. But saab telling no. What to do. Have to checking. Otherwise he no give me hafta ka cut.

Driver bhai ek dum frusht!! saying, Okay where's your alcometer, lemme show you how drunk i am!!

Kumar saying, sir alcometer toh me only, blow me sir.

Driver bhai, ek dum pagal, throws helmet to ground and blows air right into kumar's face.

Kumar gives big smile and says, sir how truthful you being, no alcohol only!!

Kumar shouting happily, Saab! koi daaru-shaaru nahi piya hai firang!!

And then Kumar walks off and traffic wala comes to Driver bhai.

Chal, ab 2000 rupaiye nikal. Main raseet kaat-ta hoon aur phir cut le.

Driver bhai, 2000 rupees???? for what?? i've broken no rules!!!

Traffic wala, bhai rule ki toh tumne mother-sister kar di hai. Li-sun nahi hai, gaadi ke papers nahi hai. Ek toh main 2000 mein niptaane ki koshish kar raha hoon aur tu funtoosh ban-ne ki koshish kar raha hai!! Bade saab aayenge to gaadi jayegi woh alag, 5000 rupaiye jayenge woh alag!! 2000 mein mandvali kar le.


Somebody explains all this to driver bhai, he understands, and in his own words, resigns to his fate.

Takes ATM card from pocket and goes to the Dhamaka Bank ATM, ekdum road ke opposite side, they offering 9.2345% interest on 397.5 day Fixed Deposit, you knowing that?? best rate that is in the market. (arre i'm also wanting to make some money no, why you frowning and not liking my post-ke-beech-mein-advertisement??)

Driver bhai gives 2000 to traffic wala and finally starts his car and zooms ahead.

Now he so frusht that he driving at full speed.

Suddenly, right ahead comes big speed-breaker, his car toh at full speed, break maarne ka bhi no fayda, his car goes fully flying for 100 feet and lands dhadaam-se.

He is so so angry now!!

He stops car and gets down and starts shouting in the middle of the road, who put this damn thing here!!!! Nobody listening, sab seedhe-seedhe driving past him. He finally gets into car and continues driving. After two red-light signals and buying umbrella from beggar at second signal and giving 10 rupees to chakka at first signal, Driver bhai finally reaches the end of the race.

All the other drivers sitting and drinking cutting-chai. They laughing at Driver bhai, saying he dont know how to drive at all. Driver bhai is having so many feelings in one time only.
I tell him welcome to India!! ekdum feelings wala country this is!

I'm now tring to explain to him that in India we need speed breakers because all this lafanga-type bike drivers who go vrooom-vrooom and all dhinchak-dhinchak music system wala full-speed going cars need to be slowed. Otherwise they will toh drive on the poor people on the road and footpath. And then continue vroooming without even caring.

Speed-breaker toh totally needed to break speed. Otherwise.

But driver bhai saying, some signboard should be no, to warn of coming speed-breaker??

I say, arre it is totally there bhai!!

He disagreeing.

We both go back to the same speed-breaker. And I immediately show him the sign with full chest-expanding pride, 

"SEE!!"

Where? he saying.

I point to the board, See there no!!

He sees and reads, Ratan.N Coaching Sentre, 100% seat in IIT guaranteed, all students 2008 batch clear IIT! We are the Besht!"

I say, NO NO bhai, that is toh world-famous Ratan.N Coaching Centre ka ad on the signboard, see there is a hole in the ad-paper and you can see hump-shape. See. See. We are giving clear signals about humping ahead.

He's now understanding India so well. He's nodding solemnly expressing his understanding.

I say, "We are toh like that only!!"

He nods. He nods.


Disc-lamer: If anybody was hurt or offended by this post, please build yourselves a time machine and go back 15 minutes in time. You wouldn't have read this post and there would be no offending or hurting. See how well it worked out for both of us!

- Fox.